Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
