Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
