The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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