I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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