If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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