there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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