I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
