last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
