some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
