im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
