He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
