remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
