I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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