So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog