his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
