she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
