Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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