i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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