i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you didnt know i had herpes?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
