i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
