I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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