Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
