She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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