i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
