just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
