Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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