Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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