I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
