I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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