i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
