Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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