I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
