Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
