Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
