Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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