I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
