You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
