Even the bartender felt bad for me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
