I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
