if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
