I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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