A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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