Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
