New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize