wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
