I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
