My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
