i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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