as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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