Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
