I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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