Someone shit on the floor
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
