Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
