Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
