I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
