so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We talked him into tasing himself.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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