seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
