I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize