I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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