Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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