can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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