I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
